*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
You Might Also Like
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
My last name is Zilla.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]