[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
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Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
For the ones in the back.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW