[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
You Might Also Like
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.