[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
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What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Getting married soon just need a spouse
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely