[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
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Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
The “baby” on the left….
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.