Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
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I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
what could possibly go wrong?
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
welp
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together