[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
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The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow