[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
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It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
Europe. Made in Germany.
Do not levitate over flowers
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”