[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
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Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed