80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
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He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.