[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
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Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
I’m not average. I’m mean.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?