*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
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I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.