*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
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Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
is it earth
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.