[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
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Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Probably my best painting.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner