@fletchworld73: So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I'm pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.

@liv_thatsme: Pepsi™: The Coke You Have To Settle For

@daemonic3: How do you stop a rhino from charging? You take away its USB cable.

@ceejoyner: Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it's fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.

@KingRainhead: date: i had fun tonight me: me too me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face* me: that's how slugs kiss