Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
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In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Natty or not?
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
fly smarter, not harder
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites