[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
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I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
The three genders
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
gm
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
This is painfully accurate 😅
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.