[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
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Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
some things should go without saying
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram