[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
You Might Also Like
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Feels
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?