[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
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[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
BRAKING NEWS!!
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners