[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
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What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
What’s a Messi?
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?