[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
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A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down