[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
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My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
the battle rages on
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?