[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
You Might Also Like
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Confused owl: What?!
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.