[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
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Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.