[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
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I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.