[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
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I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
fair
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Not helping
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.