First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
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My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
black phone good
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.