[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
You Might Also Like
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.