*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
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i have one speed and it’s mosey
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*