[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
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in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
#Caturday
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs