*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
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All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
i hate you platonically
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.