[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
You Might Also Like
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.