[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
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My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Air conditioning – not a fan
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em