[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
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Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.