[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
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Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe