Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
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Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Current mood: Potato
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding