[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
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God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Donkey Kong sommelier
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH