[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
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“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
Still laughing at this stupid meme
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.