[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
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My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
I love you…
…r dog.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?