Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
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Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
[montage of me giving-up]
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.