[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
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Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”