[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
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Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes