[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
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When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Merry Christmas
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.