[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
You Might Also Like
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.