[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
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Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.