[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
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I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
That de-escalated quickly
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.