[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
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her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
I think this cat is broken
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.