[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
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The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day