Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
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My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
how much does a mortician urn in a year