[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
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[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
i wish i could marry a nap
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again